The Knots We Carry
10/31/24
This journey I’ve set out on is, without a doubt, an unusual one. Opening myself up to intellectual growth has proven both challenging and transformative, requiring me to change old habits and adopt new ones I hadn’t anticipated. Just the other day, my wife remarked, after I placed yet another Amazon order for books, that she barely recognizes this new version of me—the one who keeps ordering books. She’s not wrong—I’m not entirely sure where this part of me came from either. Still, as I immerse myself in reading and listening to books and podcasts, striving to expand my understanding of biblical concepts and of myself, I find it increasingly hard to pull myself back into the world outside of them. Maybe it’s the excitement of starting something new, but even so, it’s becoming more difficult to step away.
What began as a simple research project has gradually become a journey of self-awareness and growth. In some ways, it has turned into a kind of personal therapy. One of the enduring “knots” within me—a remnant of my younger self, whom I think of as the little boy—has been my struggle to communicate openly with those closest to me, especially those who rely on me. It feels like a subconscious attempt to shield myself, to avoid appearing vulnerable in front of those who count on me. By engaging in this writing project, and letting myself pour these thoughts onto the page, I hope that this will help the little boy loosen his grip on that rope just a bit, perhaps allowing some of these knots to unravel over time.
So here I am, sharing these thoughts in a space public enough that others might read them, yet private enough to feel like my own. Somehow, the mere possibility that someone else may relate to this journey brings a sense of healing.
And to that little boy within:
If you’re listening, loosen your grip on the rope a little—let one of those knots come undone. I know it’s daunting to loosen a knot that’s been tied tight for so long. The rope will always carry the impression of where it was knotted. Your fear is understandable; loosening it might release emotions that feel overwhelming. But please, give it a try. Remember, you can always re-tie the knot if needed. Yet I believe that once it’s untied, you may find the freedom you’ve been seeking. And who knows, son, maybe one day we’ll finally work all the knots out. Maybe one day, we’ll have a rope covered with the impressions of old knots that we can use together to create something beautiful—a work of art in rope, like the ones we crafted back in the Navy. Taking something functional and turning it into something beautiful was a skill we learned there, and perhaps we can do that again. We could frame it and hang it on the walls of our minds as a reminder that we’ve been through challenges but found a way through.
It’s a good thing to hope for, something worth striving toward, but for now, let’s focus on the first knot. The rest will come in time. And remember, I’m not asking you to simply forget the experiences that caused these knots. I remember nearly all of them vividly. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting; it’s essential for untangling the rope. A tangled rope is of no use to a sailor, only a source of frustration. But a rope that’s orderly, faked out to unfurl without snags, becomes a sailor’s best friend.
Let’s take that first step together and let go of the fear.
So, little boy, remember this—I love you deeply, and I will always do what I can to protect you. But there comes a time when even the deepest parts of us have to grow up. Fairy tales like Peter Pan are enchanting, reminding us of the beauty in youth and innocence, but in the real world, there’s no place to remain forever young. Growing up is part of the journey, and it’s only by embracing it that we can truly make an impact on the next generation. One day, we’ll be able to pass along what we’ve learned, teaching others how to navigate life’s ropes. So take my hand, and let’s move forward—there’s a whole world waiting to be discovered together.
